Stanford’s Career Development Center provides your typical list of action verbs to add that fleeting pizzaz to your résumé. After all, who wants to be something good long-term, when you can do something good and be done with it already? So for those still padding their résumés and for everyone else’s reading pleasure, here are 25 completely reasonable suggestions for action-filled job descriptions, ranging from the inept to the utterly inept, and extrapolated from the CDC’s action verbs (in bold):
- Acted childishly.
- Conceptualized nebulous abstractions.
- Imagined being CEO.
- Planned to get work done.
- Contracted and delegated it out instead.
- Figured the job was for life.
- Arranged deck chairs on the Titanic.
- Cut and pasted. Copied too.
- Discovered gravity.
- Referred self to psychiatrist.
- Drew the curtains.
- Oversawed plywood for the deck out back.
- Invented all kinds of excuses.
- Fabricated lies unabashedly.
- Maintained own innocence.
- Bound and gagged.
- Drove self home every night.
- Merged onto I-75.
- Installed spyware accidentally.
- Operated a pencil sharpener.
- Collated. (Yes, collated.)
- Produced bugs.
- Furnished own apartment.
- Assembled IKEA furniture.
- Interviewed self for the job already; thanks for the offer. (Problem solved.)
Amelia Bedelia would be proud.
Warning: Tongue planted firmly in cheek.